AMUZE: Commentary Humor Etc.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Barney's Lessons Learned for the Obama's Dog Selection

Everyone is talking about how the Obama family will choose and get their dog. There's a group that is pressuring them to get a shelter dog which Obama refers to as "a mutt like me." But Malia is allergic.

While walking my dog, Ewok, many mutt owners have admitted to having their dogs genetically tested. There have been few surprizes, the brown and white mishmash that had long beagle ears and howled a lot, was part beagle.

DNA Testing for Sneeze Prevention
In the Obama family doggie dilemma, the girls could pick a dog they liked. Then the hypo-allergenic appearing mutt could be tested for heritage. If its a Poodle and other hypo-allergic mix, they then would get to keep the perspective pooch.

Aggression Testing and Media Training
Because the canine celeb will be in the White House, it should also be tested for aggression and given media training, so that it doesn't go after the press like the Bushes' Barney who bit the Reuters reporter. In an exclusive interview with the, Barney said he did it because, " I was in a bad mood, and I just snapped."

I was able to obtain records from Barney's psychiatrist, who found that:

Barney, does not like what President W. Bush has done to economy and that many dogs are being sent to the pound because their owners can't afford the increasing price of dog food (especially corn-based). The aggressive biting behavior was Barney's way of letting the world know that he too wanted change and was not going to take it any more.

Barney has also left his mark and messages on several of the Presidential chairs, rugs and curtains to let the new pup-elect know how Barney really feels.

After seeing the Halloween photo of the Bush family pets. I think Barney was also sick of being dressed up in silly costumes. A hypo-allergenic mutt with an even temper who has passed both genetic testing and media training may be able to deal with the stress of stupid pet costumes.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

"G" Miracles Hope and Craziness

You may have noticed I have had strange and often humorous experiences with my "G" word. It's gets even more entertaining and thought provoking.

Formerly, I rented part of the "G" space to a friend for an antique dilapidated car for next to nothing. Recently, he removed said vehicle and I posted an ad on CraigsList.

That adorable fertilized enclosure with it's propensity for attracting manure, generated me quite a sum of money: $800 for four months while a lovely young couple goes to India.

What are they going to do there? Build houses and sewers.

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Birthday Greetings

I received birthday cards in the mail
Form people who knew me when:
I was not happy,
Unkind to myself,
A cry baby,
No fun to be around,
A pain to live with,
Low on spirit,
High on fear,
Not a good listener,
Cranky when I need not be.
And still they sent me kind words of encouragement
Saying that they were glad that I was born.
Maybe I’m not so bad after all.


Thursday, February 23, 2006

Re: “G” Spots and Issues

Dear L.A. ED 2010 People:

Please be advised that since so many members of the group have garage “issues,” I would like to suggest we refrain from using the “g” word in each others company.

The fact that Mr. & Mrs. D--- came to the meeting unfashionably late because they could not get out of their “you know what” and their South African sushi-chef-in-training roommate had the only functioning remote to raise the steel gates should never be brought up again. Mr. D’s climb up the wall and various other failed methods are now completely forgotten.

While we are it, please do not tell me what I should do with my “g” door. Just because it gets really heavy in the rain and I can’t open it is my issue not yours. Mention of the fact that during one rainy season, I strained my neck and back dealing with said door and was in pain for days is verboten as well as the incident when the door was not fully open as I walked out and it caught my up-do pulling my hair. The matter of said leaking roof causing the stored Christmas ornaments and old panty hose to grow mold is an unacceptable topic of conversation.

Please refrain from discussing the time when I was up on top of “the thing that usually houses cars” sweeping off the green swimming pool of water and the ladder fell, leaving me stranded for an undisclosed time. The downward hop to the fence, while holding on for dear life is history not to be repeated.

Above you can see a picture of the unmentionable “g” from the outside which to world looks just fine. So let’s keep our lips and doors closed on all our dirty little “g” secrets.

Please note: a new plastic or metal door with color windows would destroy, “the let’s convert the carport to a g%/~#@e with as little cost as possible” look.

Sincerely yours,
Lynn Walford

House’s homepage.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Thoughts on World Workers

World Workers

As she took apart the curtains she bought for $3.75,
She thought how well made they were.
The very tiny folded edges to prevent frays
Were a bitch to redo.
She spent hours cutting, pinning and ironing
The sheer fragile fabric.

As she ironed she praised those women in China
Slaving in the big factory, working for next to
Nothing living in tiny rooms, having to buy
Company food at the company store.
She praised and thanked the women in
Those countries who made her leather sneakers
That cost only $9.95.
She blessed the women who made the jeans
Tops, and dresses she wore, knowing that over
95% of clothes bought in the U.S. were foreign made.
She vowed never to shop at Wal-Mart
And try to only buy things made in humane conditions.

She remembered her Grandmother who
Worked in the blouse factory.
How beautifully Grandma Louise sewed.
Each stitch was a work of art,
Grandma could sew sheer silk without a hitch.
By then she was so tired she couldn’t thread the sewing machine,
Her hands shook as she tried to get the seam
Exactly straight, which made her love?
Her meticulous sisters, mothers and family in sewing even more.

The next day she finished sewing the curtains,
Wishing she had bought the right size.
Whoops they were uneven,
She tore apart her makeshift seams and attempted
To even them out.
Finally she could live with her imperfect curtains.

As she cleaned up the sewing mess,
She noticed the packages the curtains came in.
It read, “Fabric imported from Turkey and sewn in the U.S.A.”

LHA 1/09/06

Monday, May 02, 2005

Letter To Mary Schmich Pomona '75/ Chicago Tribune Columnist

Hello Mary:

Thanks for speaking at the Pomona College alumni symposium this weekend. I particularly enjoyed your comments about the “boys” and “girls” at the town hall meeting.

Your talk on Saturday was especially illuminating. You really hit on something with your refrigerator quotes. I think you can tell a lot about people by what they have on their refrigerators. I bet you if you surveyed your readers you’d get some very perverse responses.

As for myself, I had a psychoanalytical field day when I got home and looked at my fridge with lots of magnets that had nothing to hold-up, a free magnet from my insurance agent and the following:
Bukowski Fridge Magnet
A Charles Bukowski, create your own poetry magnet, all in one piece with no poetry created from it. Mmmnn, maybe this relates to my current state of not being able to write poetry because I’ve been so busy writing non-fiction or perhaps it acts as a symbol of all poetry which are words that have not been placed in the right order yet?

Another major portion of the fridge reveals the other love of my life, my dog, Ewok. His food is stored in the great white magnate holder and if he could, he would be this dog from Callahan:
Dog Practicing Telekinesis

So now you too know that I am a petrosexual(or canine-o-holic.) Not only do I take my dog everywhere (a feisty little yorkie-poo whose Web page was Goggled before I was) but his influence also takes up most of the fridge!

Congratulations on having a successfully brilliant/inspiring refrigerator and talk.

If/when you publish it someday, I’d like to post it on my fridge…

Sincerely yours,
Lynn Walford

Monday, September 13, 2004

Friendly Mistakes

My friend Marsha was in a car accident.
She paid a pretty penny for the car repair.
But Marsha decided there’s a reason they call it an accident.
So, she didn’t worry who’s fault it was or if it was fair.
She said, “I made a mistake, I learned from the mistake.
I changed the way I do things a bit and now my life is a little better because of it.”

My friend Linda was in a bad marriage
She unfortunately had married a jerk.
When he left her with debts and a broken toilet,
She had no regrets, found another guy and went back to work.
She said, “I made a mistake, I learned from the mistake.
I changed the way I do things a bit and now my life is a little better because of it.”

How could we ever learn, if we didn’t make a mistake once in a while?
Oh, how the mistake will burn when you forget to smile.
I am fortunate that I have friends, who show me,
A mistake is a wonderful opportunity to get to know me.

My friend Julie couldn’t find her keys
She had to pay a locksmith to get them replaced.
She made extra copies, hid them in rocks and under her fender,
While herself she embraced.
She said, “I made a mistake. I learned from the mistake.
I changed the way I do things a bit and now my life is a little better because of it.”
This song is dedicated to MARSHA who had a great attitude about her mistakes.